Don’t Pee on ME

We Are the Marines

I’m going to the dark side of the moon for a few days and therefore want to leave you all with some craziness that’s been festering in my brain for the last few weeks (catharsis you see… if I get it out the insanity leaves me and infects others). I saw a news post about 4 marines who were court marshaled for urinating on Afghan bodies. Here’s the point I want you to ponder: bullet IN them OK, urine ON them NOT OK.

 It is apparently OK to KILL these Afghan men, but the global community draws the line on peeing on them. Shoot them in the face with an M-16 … no problem here’s a paycheck. Piss on their carcass … PROBLEM now you go to jail. Seriously, am I the only one that takes issue with this particular set of priorities. To be honest I suspect the now deceased men, if given a choice, would choose the golden shower over the slug to the face every time and twice during Ramadan irrespective of how devout Muslim they were(to all you politically correct nut jobs out there that got to my blog by mistake – don’t get pissed … it’s a twice on Sunday reference, stay calm and keep it together just breath slowly and you’ll be OK). Listen, I’m not saying peeing on people is the way to go. I myself have a strict don’t pee on me policy AT ALL TIMES. That said war sucks and we’re sending people out to KILL one another for shits sake;  why don’t we focus on stopping the killing part and leave the not peeing on each other bit for once the shooting has stopped. When we focus on the peeing while the bullets are still flying it makes me think we’re missing the point (although we apparently didn’t miss the Afghans because their dead).

Oh well, see you all in a few days (hopefully). Keep the madness to a minimum until I get back, I don’t want to miss much. Cheers

Lies, Damn lies, and Political Correctness

Oaxaca Mexico: Photography Travel Graffiti Art

Fighting Back

Famous words by the Bard,

“To be, or not to be–that is the question:

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them.”

Hamlet was, of course, talking about death but the words are equally applicable to the slow intellectual death suffered by our society at the hands of political correctness via forced idea homogenization. To speak one’s mind and likely suffer the “slings and arrows” of social repercussions is a tough choice. Ok, you look confused? Let me put it another way. The fact that we all run around scared shitless that we may offend one another, or that some gimp or nigger might get their feelings hurt if we use a particular word has led us to stop speaking our minds and has castrated our first amendment right. No, I’m not saying you need to offend to communicate, or that using these terms is necessarily correct, but I am saying that limiting their use in socially “appropriate” circles simply limits our ability as a society to openly discuss and deal with the core issues. Socially stigmatizing people who use particular words doesn’t make the ideas they represent go away, it just pushes them underground, into dark corners of our minds and society where they fester and rise again as strong, and likely uglier, than before. Without open discourse topics and words become taboo giving them an undeserved position and power (didn’t you see Harry Potter, he was never afraid to say Voldemort).

Our society has become so pussified that it cares more about not getting people’s panties tied up in knots than letting us have our own opinions, say what we think, argue openly, and respect each other’s right to have wildly different points of view (irrespective of how distasteful we may find that point of view to be). Hell, it’s easy to respect a point of view that’s similar to yours, or defend a person’s right to say something you agree with. It’s a damn bit harder to do the same when the person is offending or pissing you off. I know, you’re probably still stuck on the nigger and gimp statement. You’re probably saying “well those derogatory terms are just plain vulgar and disrespectful.” Yes, fine, these words are definitely disrespectful, but what’s important isn’t that specific people do or don’t get offended, it’s that even if we are offended we can respect (NOT AGREE WITH) another person’s right to have a position with which we adamantly disagree. Let’s be offended! Let’s be forced to critically analyze why specific words hurt us, why they elicit responses from us. Honest words spoken say more about the speaker than the subject. If a Hick calls me a Beaner, that just verifies that the mullet head is indeed a Hick and my racist paradigm is confirmed. Now if I lose my shit over what he says, than that says something profound about me (it says that not only am I a Beaner, but I’m an insecure one at that).

Think about it this way, look at what has happened when minorities have “retaken” words that were initially offensive (nigger for blacks, queer for homosexuals). Through the open use of a word initially meant to hurt some of the stigma has been removed. Does this mean I recommend going up to the first black guy you see and calling him “my nigga?” Only if he’s small, you can outrun him and his friends, and/or you know him very well and are sure he won’t literally sling arrows (or other high velocity projectiles) at your head because of your enlightened view on the detrimental social effects of a political correctness.

Jesus fucking Christ people, Christians and Muslims have fought for thousands of years, but here in this country they can respect each other’s right to keep hole-y (not a typo) faiths which each group “knows” the other has gotten completely wrong. Hell, we let Mormons hang out here and they believe in golden books and scientologists (whom everybody knows are bat shit crazy) believe in, and go around talking about, aliens for fuck’s sake, and nobody bats an eye. The point is, our society has taught us to be fundamentally willing to accept a person’s right to openly hold sacred core beliefs antithetical to our own, but isn’t willing to allow us to openly laugh at penis jokes lest the fat chick overhear us and get offended. Yes, these topics – religious tolerance and penis jokes – are related. Your religion and sacred beliefs may well offend my delicate sensitivities, but in our society it’s my responsibility to get past that and respect your right to be different. Well listen up toots, same goes for jokes about Dr. Johnson doing pap smears in latex gloves; knuckle up and respect my right to laugh. If you don’t like it roll your fat ass back to your cubicle.

So, next time you think something that is politically incorrect (and your life is not in direct jeopardy) go ahead and say it, be brave, fight for our unpopular social revolution lest …

“Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprise of great pitch and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry

And lose the name of action.” (†)

 

 

†  Hamlet, Shakespeare. For those of you too stupid to understand Elizabethan English this roughly translates to: if we think about it too much, we may punk the fuck out.

OFFENSIVE ME.

Tough Love: The Offensive Truth

WARNING!! DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING POSTS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Let’s be honest. Some people are harsh. They like brutal honesty both for themselves and others. If this is you I hear you let me give you a refresher of some of my earlier works you may find interesting.  Enjoy and let me know what you think.

  1. Truth About Fairy Tales
  2. 10 Ways to Know if Your Mother’s a Crazy Bitch
  3. Fattist: One Wedge Too Far
  4. Saccharine Sweet
  5. Fairness: Short and Sweet

Truth About Fairy Tales

Santa Claus as illustrated in , v. 52, no. 134...

WARNING!!! DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE OFFENEDED BY VULGAR LANGUAGE, SEXUAL CONTENT, AND RACIAL OVERTONES !!! I AM NOT KIDDING, DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE AT THE SLIGHTEST RISK OF BEING OFFENDED!!!

I had kids crawling, urinating, and punching me all over last Sunday whilst nagging endlessly about eggs, bunnies, and candy. Jesus, for those who don’t have kids and don’t remember their own childhoods, sugar should be referred to as pediatric crack. I was asked to tell the story of the Easter bunny time and time again, and after the third time (right before I blacked out) this is the response that came to mind … don’t worry I didn’t actually SAY it, it just came to mind.

Do you know what Santa Claus, the Tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny have in common kids? In this universe, they’re all BULLSHIT! That said, for those of you still living the lie your parents fed you, let me introduce a modicum of … let’s call it reality. Here’s how the whole fairy tale thing really went down.

One day Santa got tired of icy nipples and frozen snatch so he coked up Rudolph’s feed (seriously where the fuck do you think that red nose really came from?) and next thing he knew, bada bing bada boom he was in sunny Mexico. While taking in the donkey show he saw the Tooth fairy and invited her and Tinkerbell to a bar afterwards for drinks. Tinkerbell had to go because Mother Goose would have clipped her damn wings if Tinker didn’t get back on her corner to keep making those pesos for the Goose (Mother Goose, as it turns out is the queen pimp down south and is, to this day, doing very well for herself). The Tooth fairy, however, did take old St. Nick up on his offer and after some booze, Angel dust, and Roofies, Santa took her to his place to play hide the icicle. Nine months later she crapped out an egg from which hatched a rabbit from whom she promptly stole a front tooth for crack money.

Getting back to Santa, as you may know he of course got “the clap” from Tinker. What you may not know is that he also contracted the exceedingly rare Mexican midget sperm disease which was recently described in the New England Journal of Medicine. That’s why, after he woke Rudolph up, rode his strung out ass back up North, got Mrs. Claus off the peppermint pole, cleaned the whale blubber(Eskimo dollars) out of her G String, and finally knocked her up but good … all that she kept popping out were little fucking midgets that run away every time somebody yells “la migra” (Blitzen’s a son of a bitch with a twisted sense of humor so Santa now spends half his time rounding up his miniature progeny after Blitzen goes a’yelling).  This, children, is the reason why Mexican kids don’t get new presents on Christmas.  It isn’t that their parents are broke, it’s because Santa’s still pissed about his Mexican excursion.

Well there you go kids. That, in a NUT shell is the truth about the holidays. Now go upstairs shove your parents into the oven, put an apple in their mouths, bake them at 350 until golden brown and delicious, and we’ll have ourselves a proper Thanksgiving. Cheers

Fairness: Short and Sweet

The Goodies' humour earned it an unfair reputa...

Fairness, who the fuck let this stale fart of an idea out onto the world? Who told anyone that life was, would be, or even should be fair!? Claiming society is unfair because the rich have better opportunities than the poor or middle class is ludicrous. If all groups had the same opportunities it would negate the efforts of past generations whose cumulative sacrifices were made in an attempt to propel their individual families forward. In short, all of us that are busting our asses are working so that our families can “get ahead.” Essential to that ubiquitously recognized statement is the idea that we want our families to be better off than our neighbors. Hell we’re trying to create INEQUALITY, NOT fairness for Christ’s sake. The only fairness anyone has the right to ask for is that no one actively stops them from achieving their goals. If you have what it takes go out there, bust your ass, and don’t stop until you make it. If you don’t (or can’t ride the coat tails of someone who can) then it sucks to be you maestro.