Sorry I’ve been gone so long but I’m an idiot and soon you’ll see why. Although what I’ve gone through speaks for itself and images would do the following incidents infinitely more justice than my writing I have no damn pictures so I’ll have to use words instead. I was traveling in Mexico (as you may have gathered from my propensity for Mexican Street Art – of which more is coming by the way) and the long and the short of it is that the shit hit the fan. No, I’m not talking about the Montezuma’s revenge courtesy of the shady (in more ways than one) beach side stand where the locals WATCHED me eat the “ceviche” (to answer the burning questions you are now mulling over – yes I am clinically retarded, no I didn’t bring my helmet along on the trip, yes I did indeed eat the suspect shrimp “cooked” in lime juice served to me by natives which could barely contain their laughter, and no my asshole hasn’t been quite the same since).
What I am talking about when I refer to the shit hitting the fan is the near abduction, the driving through a forest fire at 2am, and the incessant attempts by locals to sell me drugs (listen Amigos, a shaved head does not NECESSARILY equal a pot head – I’m just going bald leave me the fuck alone). Tonight I’ll talk about the near abduction and over the next few days, provided my nerves will take it, I’ll tell you about the rest.
I needed to get back from the city after a stint at a beach called Huatulco. I took a taxi to a nearby town and baught tickets for an evening shuttle from this town to the city of Oaxaca where I’ve been spending much of my time (if any of you are interested as to why leave a comment and I’ll tell you). Long story short I was the ONLY person on the shuttle with Poncho the kidnap happy homicidal clown as driver. Listen here’s a word of advice I should have considered, if you’re the only one going on a bus ride through the mountains at night in a foreign country with a driver you don’t trust from the get go … DON’T GO. I told you I was retarded … I went. Roughly 2 hours into the trip the guy gets sketchy (well, more sketchy than he had been), he starts driving slower and slower, he starts looking in the rear view at me (mind you the bastard hasn’t said word one to me the entire trip), and his CB/radio keeps getting turned down. We get to a small town and he looks at me again and says “I need to get out and check the brakes, they’re not working right.” This is clearly bullshit because we’ve been on the hairpin turns from HELL and he hasn’t missed a beat, not to mention that he just STOPPED the damn van without any problem. He gets out, walks to the back of the car, kicks the rear passenger tire, and then opens his phone. He doesn’t look under the car, he doesn’t pretend to look at the break pads, or bother to jack up the car to pretend inspect the brakes. I’m watching him on the phone and he’s watching me watch him. He gets back into the van, turns off the radio, and say’s we’re going to make a detour to see if we can get the breaks fixed.
At this point I’m wondering: how stupid do I look? Answer: Apparently stupid enough to get in the fucking van with his psycho in the first place. I grab my pack, get out, and open the blade in my pocket getting ready for what may become real ugly real fast. I keep calm, say thanks but I’ll wait here for the next van. He walked toward me and quietly asked me to get back in the van. I looked him dead in the eye and slowly pulled out the handle of the blade. “No thanks” I said, “I’ll wait for the next van.” He stayed put and kept looking at me for what seemed like an eternity (it was at least long enough for the poop in my pants to soak through) but must have in reality been just a few seconds. “Fine” he finally said “Hodete” and he got in the van and drove off. Seriously I almost shit myself. Forget about the fact that now I was in but fuck nowhere with no real idea as to how the devil I was going to get back, the only thing I was thinking at that time was that I wasn’t in the back of that van.
All joking aside folks. If you are EVER the only person on mass transit in a place you aren’t familiar with get the fuck off the bus. The longer you travel with that driver the more at their mercy you become. I walked a few miles in the dark to the next town which was larger where I found a lighted bus stop by which another van came a few hours later. The wait was interminable given I had no idea how I was going to get out of the mess, but again what I’m sure awaited me at the end of that van ride was likely much worse.
By the way, the next van I got into was almost full … it only had one seat left, mine. This is the shit that makes life interesting – right?
I’m glad to be back and I wish you all the best.